The hardest gift

First entry of 2009. I chose to write it in English. Why ? Probably because it helps me to dissociate myself from my feelings and my rational side..

These past few months, I’ve felt more than I felt in my entire life. Love, hurt, sadness, anger, despair, compassion, friendship. Now, I feel that the weeks to come will be decisive. It’s going to be either a deadly fall or a blessed gift. I have no idea what’s there for me. All that I know is that I will face those steps one by one, trying not to think too much ahead. Because that is what destroys me. To think too much further ahead. That’s one great way to break your neck, at least for me.

I learned how to open up, but now I have to learn once more how to protect myself from hurt or negative feelings. What happened in the past few weeks, not only with me but with people close to my heart, made me realize some things. That you are the only one that can control your happiness and your destiny.

To some questions, I just answer this : dare to love. Dare to live. Dare happiness face to face and let’s see what’s going to evolve from this.

Regrets weights more on one’s consciousness than remorse, that I learned as I experienced and lived, at least what little I’ve done so far. This is what keeps me alive. To go on. Continue.. and live.. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t escape my mind.. But I just need to void my mind from negative thoughts and let them flow away, only keeping what’s good… Sometimes, I feel like I could just give up. But then, what would I have proved to myself? To others? That I’m worth nothing. That’s not what I want to feel for myself. Never was and never will be.

I’ve suffered way too much to let one single event, let alone one person bring me down. I know, I did it before. For almost two years, but it’s over now. I’ve learn.

Live, learn, love.. lust.. hurt.. feel.. forgive..