Fil de fer

Le pied posé sur ce lac gelé, je me laisse aller à mi-chemin entre sentiment et trahison
Peut-être déciderais-je de me laisser couler, perdre toute émotion, geler ma raison
Foutue traîtresse de ces nuits avares de sommeil
Je jure devant quelqu’un désirer t’entrevoir en vermeil

Mater une fois pour toute la manipulation dont tu sembles si fanatique
Employer ma trique électrique pour te fendre le joli minois
Briser une à une les étincelles de tes yeux, matière sans joie
Saccager les mots avant qu’ils sortent de ta bouche d’hypocrite

Vie passée à s’alimenter à l’espoir, tué dans l’œuf
Je feins de n’avoir cure, mais ma tristesse devient neuve
Renouvelée à chaque coup donné
Par ces mots, si jolis mots, enrubannés de sombre mensonges
Ombres murmurées, dissimulées entre tes dents et ta langue
Que j’aimerais arracher
L’enfoncer dans ta gorge, piquetée de tous ce que tu m’as refilé
Opportunité perdue, maintes fois éperdue…

Untitled victory

Some things are better left unspoken about
It is best
To forget
Amend yourself
Hope it will pass
Sadness faltering away
Like dust in winter’s wind
Doesn’t know how to deal
Cope and feel
Empty, bitter
Swallow my anger
Let’s force its favor
Down your throat, sucker!

The victory seems imminent
Among stalkers
A shadow slaying a rodent
Pity on a shelf
Please, do not destroy yourself
Demeanors that are unfathomable
Pleasure blurred by a halo of glory

Pierce my heart
Devour it
Like ambrosia
Become immortal
Fading away, life’s sparks
Embrace it
Tears of a demented being
Heart like metal
Taste the blood from my lips
And call it mine

January 8th, 2009.

The hardest gift

First entry of 2009. I chose to write it in English. Why ? Probably because it helps me to dissociate myself from my feelings and my rational side..

These past few months, I’ve felt more than I felt in my entire life. Love, hurt, sadness, anger, despair, compassion, friendship. Now, I feel that the weeks to come will be decisive. It’s going to be either a deadly fall or a blessed gift. I have no idea what’s there for me. All that I know is that I will face those steps one by one, trying not to think too much ahead. Because that is what destroys me. To think too much further ahead. That’s one great way to break your neck, at least for me.

I learned how to open up, but now I have to learn once more how to protect myself from hurt or negative feelings. What happened in the past few weeks, not only with me but with people close to my heart, made me realize some things. That you are the only one that can control your happiness and your destiny.

To some questions, I just answer this : dare to love. Dare to live. Dare happiness face to face and let’s see what’s going to evolve from this.

Regrets weights more on one’s consciousness than remorse, that I learned as I experienced and lived, at least what little I’ve done so far. This is what keeps me alive. To go on. Continue.. and live.. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t escape my mind.. But I just need to void my mind from negative thoughts and let them flow away, only keeping what’s good… Sometimes, I feel like I could just give up. But then, what would I have proved to myself? To others? That I’m worth nothing. That’s not what I want to feel for myself. Never was and never will be.

I’ve suffered way too much to let one single event, let alone one person bring me down. I know, I did it before. For almost two years, but it’s over now. I’ve learn.

Live, learn, love.. lust.. hurt.. feel.. forgive..