Variation on the word sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun and three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
and that necessary

— Margaret Atwood

(http://boppin.com/poets/atwood.htm)

grab all you can

The grabbing hands grab all they can
All for themselves – after all
The grabbing hands grab all they can
All for themselves – after all
It’s a competitive world
Everything counts in large amounts
The grabbing hands grab all they can
Everything counts in large amounts

This world is meaningless
What am I doing, being selfless?

promises

Remove the traitor from my chest
Hurry, before it’s too late
Before I feel
Before I need..
I’m screaming.. drowning in the mirror
Of my perception
Tired.. so drained.

I have given everything .. every single ounce in my body I have given to you. Every drop of blood I sweat for you.

I made you bleed. I hit you, because it was enough. I had enough. I couldn’t.. let you.. again.. no.. not again.. I don’t want.. another bullet to go through my chest.
I want my armor back. I want my STRENGHT back
You fucking thief!

You fucking asshole… fucking.. traitor. liar.. promises.. never held .. always.. treated me..
Too much I endured for too little I had back in return.

And.. I loved you.. but I need to RIP the traitor from my SKIN. Take that knife, and finish the work, would you?

I want you to know.
What you did to me
I hope you’re fucking happy, now.
I hope you’re fucking DEAD, now
I want you to hurt, like you hurt me

Taste your own medicine
See the blood in your hands?
That’s me… was me.. in you.. in me.. forever..

Though I had you. How come we used to think we’d belong to each other forever? How come .. you made me hate you?.. Feel numb for you?..

Tried to save you.. but you don’t even want to save yourself! Old story, but new pain.. I had to know you. I have to go back to that. Being ripped apart.. watch yourself carefully in the mirror.. ‘coz I’m gonna be right next to you..

May 18th, 2008
Québec
For the one I gave everything for.

Fil de fer

Le pied posé sur ce lac gelé, je me laisse aller à mi-chemin entre sentiment et trahison
Peut-être déciderais-je de me laisser couler, perdre toute émotion, geler ma raison
Foutue traîtresse de ces nuits avares de sommeil
Je jure devant quelqu’un désirer t’entrevoir en vermeil

Mater une fois pour toute la manipulation dont tu sembles si fanatique
Employer ma trique électrique pour te fendre le joli minois
Briser une à une les étincelles de tes yeux, matière sans joie
Saccager les mots avant qu’ils sortent de ta bouche d’hypocrite

Vie passée à s’alimenter à l’espoir, tué dans l’œuf
Je feins de n’avoir cure, mais ma tristesse devient neuve
Renouvelée à chaque coup donné
Par ces mots, si jolis mots, enrubannés de sombre mensonges
Ombres murmurées, dissimulées entre tes dents et ta langue
Que j’aimerais arracher
L’enfoncer dans ta gorge, piquetée de tous ce que tu m’as refilé
Opportunité perdue, maintes fois éperdue…

Untitled victory

Some things are better left unspoken about
It is best
To forget
Amend yourself
Hope it will pass
Sadness faltering away
Like dust in winter’s wind
Doesn’t know how to deal
Cope and feel
Empty, bitter
Swallow my anger
Let’s force its favor
Down your throat, sucker!

The victory seems imminent
Among stalkers
A shadow slaying a rodent
Pity on a shelf
Please, do not destroy yourself
Demeanors that are unfathomable
Pleasure blurred by a halo of glory

Pierce my heart
Devour it
Like ambrosia
Become immortal
Fading away, life’s sparks
Embrace it
Tears of a demented being
Heart like metal
Taste the blood from my lips
And call it mine

January 8th, 2009.

The hardest gift

First entry of 2009. I chose to write it in English. Why ? Probably because it helps me to dissociate myself from my feelings and my rational side..

These past few months, I’ve felt more than I felt in my entire life. Love, hurt, sadness, anger, despair, compassion, friendship. Now, I feel that the weeks to come will be decisive. It’s going to be either a deadly fall or a blessed gift. I have no idea what’s there for me. All that I know is that I will face those steps one by one, trying not to think too much ahead. Because that is what destroys me. To think too much further ahead. That’s one great way to break your neck, at least for me.

I learned how to open up, but now I have to learn once more how to protect myself from hurt or negative feelings. What happened in the past few weeks, not only with me but with people close to my heart, made me realize some things. That you are the only one that can control your happiness and your destiny.

To some questions, I just answer this : dare to love. Dare to live. Dare happiness face to face and let’s see what’s going to evolve from this.

Regrets weights more on one’s consciousness than remorse, that I learned as I experienced and lived, at least what little I’ve done so far. This is what keeps me alive. To go on. Continue.. and live.. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t escape my mind.. But I just need to void my mind from negative thoughts and let them flow away, only keeping what’s good… Sometimes, I feel like I could just give up. But then, what would I have proved to myself? To others? That I’m worth nothing. That’s not what I want to feel for myself. Never was and never will be.

I’ve suffered way too much to let one single event, let alone one person bring me down. I know, I did it before. For almost two years, but it’s over now. I’ve learn.

Live, learn, love.. lust.. hurt.. feel.. forgive..

Stillness

Do you often feel like you’ve missed something your whole life?
Do you feel regrets toward things that you haven’t accomplished?
Do you feel like you should not be in the situation you’re in right now?
Do you even remember what it was like to be happy, living a simple life?
I just want to know..
I am just tired
So tired
Of constantly waiting
After something
Something better
Stuck.. in the middle of two contradictions
Two hard-felt emotions, like black and white
Sucking what’s left of my vital energy
Little by little
Consuming me
Desecrating that part of me
That little part
That had hopes
Big hopes
Now I feel soulless, pointless..
Why am I here?
Why does I feel.. these things?
Ugly things creeping inside me
Like snakes of negativity
I am an unbeliever
If so, a nonexistant being
I believe in nothing
But myself and fate
I can be my only guardian
My only saviour, is myself
Not some faceless stranger
Who comes from nowhere
And pretends to know me
Here I am
Waiting
For the answer
To come…

Snowflake

This is where I should be
This is where I used to be
Her lips on my shoulder
Her eyes, heavy, on my back
Laid upon a bed of desire, it’s ironic.
We used to hate each other
we used to hurt, stab, scream and swear
now we just fuck in silence
so-called life
just an empty shell
load up and.. shoot, at least it will fill up the empty air
hypocritical being, never was authentic
what does it mean, anyway?

void.. i scream, but nothing comes out
it’s stuck in me
erratic breath, soon comes to an end
hysterical laugh, echoing in my head
my eyes, bloodshot, glancing at you through a veil of white pain
a snowflake in a sea of blood