First entry of 2009. I chose to write it in
English. Why ? Probably because it helps me to dissociate myself from my
feelings and my rational side..
These past few months, I’ve felt more than I felt
in my entire life. Love, hurt, sadness, anger, despair, compassion, friendship.
Now, I feel that the weeks to come will be decisive. It’s going to be either a
deadly fall or a blessed gift. I have no idea what’s there for me. All that I
know is that I will face those steps one by one, trying not to think too much
ahead. Because that is what destroys me. To think too much further ahead. That’s
one great way to break your neck, at least for me.
I learned how to open up, but now I have to learn
once more how to protect myself from hurt or negative feelings. What happened
in the past few weeks, not only with me but with people close to my heart, made
me realize some things. That you are the only one that can control your
happiness and your destiny.
To some questions, I just answer this : dare to
love. Dare to live. Dare happiness face to face and let’s see what’s going to
evolve from this.
Regrets weights more on one’s consciousness than
remorse, that I learned as I experienced and lived, at least what little I’ve
done so far. This is what keeps me alive. To go on. Continue.. and live..
Sometimes, I feel like I can’t escape my mind.. But I just need to void
my mind from negative thoughts and let them flow away, only keeping what’s good…
Sometimes, I feel like I could just give up. But then, what would I have proved
to myself? To others? That I’m worth nothing. That’s not what I want to feel
for myself. Never was and never will be.
I’ve suffered way too much to let one single event,
let alone one person bring me down. I know, I did it before. For almost two
years, but it’s over now. I’ve learn.
Live, learn, love.. lust.. hurt.. feel.. forgive..
